Shearit Israel First (experimental)
High School Class
(The medical science is totally powerless)
This page contains stories that were fondly kept in our collective memory for future showing off in front of our grandchildren. Wonderous adventures, unsung heroes and terrific monsters will not appear on this page. But the stories are still cool.
Leva Epshteyn stores himself under Lev Il'ich's desk
Leva Epshteyn stores himself under Lev Il'ich's deskKogda Leva E. thought it was gonna be very cool to hide under Lev Ilich's desk, however Lev Ilich seemed to share a different view on the subject. Therefore he decided to throw Leva right through the closed door of our famous trailer. Damn that explains a lot.
-- by Alex B
The Christmas Carol (a short version)Once Kodak brought the musical Christmas card and started playing it during out cs class. And everyone started saying that Misha's watch was making the sounds, so na etot raz bednii Misha otchaino oprovergaya obvineniya was thrown through the same green door.
-- by Alex B
Different ways to close that green doorOnce I (Alex) was late to Mr. Felman's class. The nice boy that I was, I politely knocked on the door, came in, & apologized for not being on time. Feldman suggested that I close the door. I did just that, however he persisted to explain that he meant "from the outside" So this time I was thrown through the same door.
-- by Alex B
The Christmas Carol (complete)I got a story. Does anyone remember the Christmas card that played 'Silent Night'? Well for those that don't here's a version that might not be entirely accurate, but it's what I remember. Anyways, somebody, don't recall who exactly, might have been Max, brought in a Chrismas Card. It played 'Silent Night'. You know, one of those annoying music card. Well annoying it was. It all started early in the day when one of the possessors of the card activated it during a class. At that point it was not a real card anymore. It was dissmantled into the remaining music producing mechanism that was easily concealed and traveled around the class. It was playing it's little melody and annoying the shit out of the teachers who could not figure out where the music was coming from because it was coming from a different place every time. We tried to be even more creative and attach it behind the blackboard so every time a teacher would write on the board the stupid melody would play. It was a great idea but we did not have the materials of the engineering skills to execute it. Hours into the annoyance of teachers we had a computer class with one of the Various Computer Instructors (VCIs). This one was an especially pathetic one and we had neither the desire to listen to him of any respect for his tiny authority. The music card was played nonstop. Almost everybody in the class got a turn. Well after a bit of ritual VCI torture we got a bit bored with it and stopped. The real fun started when Michael ('there's nothing between my legs', bit that's another story that someone else might want to share) Goldenberg's wrist watch beeped at the top of the hour. The beeping sound was very similar to the sound that was produced by the christmas card, but not melodic. The VCI flipped out. The sound was clearly comming from Mike. Although he was actually one of the few people in the class that was innocent but that never mattered in Shearit Israel. He experienced the full wrath of the VCI. Mr. Sam Naydensky that was sitting next to Mike did not help his situation. When Mike had almost convinced the VCI of his innocence, Sammy played the card again, and as luck woudl have it, Mike's watch beeped. All was lost and mike was kicked out of the class accompanied by much fanfare and delight on our part. The culmination of the experience came when the card resumed playing 30 seconds after Mike's untimely departure. In a post thought, it might have been Mr. Feldman's class after all, not computers. Hmmm...Corrections are welcome.
-- by Paul
The stink bomb (an honorable mention)One memorable incident comes to mind - when Larry dropped a stinkbomb in the classroom, which evolved into a big mess, with fillins being uncovered under the trailer, etc. I think Reb Moishe came close to shutting down the yeshiva that day b/c i think at that time he realized that he completely failed to make good religious jewish boys out of us.
-- by Michael
The mystery between Michael Goldenberg's legsI got another one. This jewel of yeshiva folklore took place during an english class presided over by that goddess of gravity, Mrs. Leibovitch. That woman was fat. She was gargantuan. She walked through doors sideways. There were smaller english teachers orbiting her. Anyways, we had a definitions test. Our dear friend Alex Belomlinsky, showing the signs of his choice of future career created cheat sheets for the entire class. Not just any cheat sheets. Skillfull miniatures created using the latest in modern technology (WordPerfect). They were small, they were stealthy, they had a six point font that no one besides Alex knew how to create. Well on with the story. The test begins. Everybody is cheating, some more skillfully then others. Michael Goldenberg, less skillfully then most. A virtual impossibility happens. The behemoth that was our english teacher notices that Goldenberg's got a cheat sheet. Mike notices that she notices and puts the cheat sheet in no better place then between his legs under himself. She slowly floats, or rolls towards Mike. This timeless dialogue ensues:
-Michael, what is that?Scene.
We hope you were lying Mikey, We hope for your sake.
-- by Paul
The basic instinct (to cut school, that is)How we ditched school and never got caught, or how I love Sharon Stone.
Part 1. The decision.
It all started innocently enough. The trailer intelligence service got information that two of our teachers will be absent and that at least one was going to be late. Not sure who, but somebody suggested cutting the rest of the day and doing something more fun then school. That would be anything. Sam suggested to go to his house and watch a movie. But which movie? With several seconds of combined silence we settled on 'Basic instinct'. The choice was made. We were off.
Part 2. The escape.
Small goups dashed behind the trailers. Then they made their way unnoticed behind the building and around the corner. In a daring sprint remeniscent of "the Great Escape" we dashed along Ocean avenue to avenue U. There we boarded our escape B49 bus to get out undetected on Kings Highway. We proceded to our randevous at East 7th street at the te-ammo video store. The majority of the escapees stayed outside, while Sam, myself (as an idiot I offered to use my account to rent the video) and somebody else went inside. We found the tape and brought it to the front desk. The nice russian lady at the desk protested, but Sam managed to convice her that the viewing of this video is essential to our developement as human beings. Unable to withstand Sam's intelligence, cunning, and rapier wit she relented and gave us the tape. In several minutes of frantic walking we found ourselves in Sam's apartment fighting for seats and trying to work the VCR.
Part 3. The Video.
It is obvious now, that 13 year old boys cannot comprehend half of the things that were going on in 'basic instinct'. we spent all of 20 minutes fast forwarding the movie to the sex scenes in hopes of catching a glimpse of Sharon Stone's snapper. The actual movie watching experience turned out to be extremely anti-climactic. When we were done with the movie Sam asked me to keep it for another day and said that he would return it after school.
Part 4. The aftermath
The aftermath was simple. Several days later my parents asked me how come the store clerk at the video store told them that there is a 2$ charge on the account for 'basic instinct'. Sam swears he's inocent, but I know the truth. Suka!
-- by Paul
Poema about EmmanualaAh destinclty I remember
Tis was cold and muggy day in septmber or november...
As the group of 5 or 6 went on a quick sex fix!
While the clouds were approaching
And a movie we started watching...
Sent us all into a trance
Since we really had no chance
Of scorin big with a female
Hence im writing this email...
Whilst the tube was showing de flick
The two or three brave souls (Boris/Poyalnik/Max) who
Dashed to the WC real quick!
Well now there is was a perk
Since they "donated" to Mikey G. a real jerk!
O poor Mikey, what day he has seen,
While he was scrubbing the sink real clean!
Well folks the tale's end has come...
But still in Mikey's mind there lingers an image
Of oozing, guyee, slymy and digusting c.....
-- by Larry
How to cheat on an English test
A true recollection from Mrs. Leibowitz's classInsert Paul's description on Mrs. Leibowitz here, make it look like one of those things in script in front of every chapter in classic books, with the credit line thus :
--Paul KatzMrs. Leibowitz, did not only posses the qualities Paul so eloquently described, but much more. One of her more interesting (at least as it pertains to the current narrative) quirks was the fact that she was utterly blind to cheating. We have never fully ascertained whether that was a physical or a psychological malady, but the problem did exist because of one of these reasons, or perhaps a combination of the two.
She would not see cheatsheets cleverly hidden on one's body (except for that one embarrassing occasion with Michael G.), in one's pockets, on one's desk. Not those cleverly, or not so cleverly, concealed in backpacks, notebooks, pencils, arms, soles of shoes, or any other place you can think of. She was completely oblivious to them. You can imagine,that us being the USSR-public-school-bred children as we were, we quickly caught on and exploited this vulnerability. And of course, being in 9th grade, we lifted ourselves to lofty philosophical heights, and wondered : Can it be true? Can there exist such a malady which would render a person blind to anything that is untrue? How would such a person view the world? (Would he then be completely blind?) Is Mrs. Leibowitz truly and utterly oblivious to all cheating?!
And we decided that there was only one way to find out.
In preparation for the English test we have written the vocabulary words on cheat-sheets small and large. We placed them in our backpacks, and notebooks. The largest (full 8x11 letter-sized pages) we hung on the walls of the classroom. We taped one on the teacher's desk. (Facing our way of course). I secured myself a Webster's dictionary somewhere and placed it inside my desk. All was now ready.
The English test commenced without Mrs. Leibowitz noticing anything. We were dumbfounded. Who could miss whole pages taped to the wall, with the whole class looking at them! We were astonished. We started chuckling lightly, then giggling, then laughing out-right, glancing at the papers, testing with the final straw. Would the camel's back hold? Would she even not notice THEN?
But alas, she finally did. Realizing the content of the papers plastered all over the room, she raged, and tore them all down. She even made us clear our desks during the test from that point (the first time it seems). The punishment ended there, I'm happy to report.
We proceeded to finish the test, most of us still looking at the pages concealed in other places, but I had a problem. After the handy sheets were tore down (with total disregard to our right of free press it would seem) I had to resort to my Webster's for help. But there was a problem. The Webster's was a hardcover book, while the school-desk it was inside of was narrow, and did not allow for the cover to open!
Sitting in the first row on the teacher's right did not help matters. But not to worry -- stealing away a moment when the woman looked the other way, I quickly extracted the dictionary, opened it, and quickly thrust it back into its hiding place. I was saved!
However, I did not yet realize the full extent of my dilemma. Through some devilry, all the words that I ventured to look for, (as well as the index of the book) were located on the top part of the pages! I would have to either pull out the dictionary almost all the way from the desk, or else conspicuously proceed to literally stick my head inside the desk to read the damned thing.
After about a quarter of an hour of pretending to drop pens, pencils, papers, and other various objects, and looking into the dictionary while retrieving them I grew tired of the charade, and realized that I would not have enough time to finish the exam in this manner. I was reasonably annoyed at this point -- with nearly half the class finished with the test and happily resting outside, while I was confined to this damned room, with this damned exam, and all because I did not store an extra cheat sheet in my desk instead of the stupid Webster's! To hell with it! I pulled out the book, and laid it plainly on the table. The teacher did not seem to notice. I began to answer questions in rapid succession, quickly flipping the pages of the dictionary. And then it happened.
Mrs. Leibowitz, by some strange premonition, got up from her desk and directed herself to mine. I was panicking. What to do? Do I try to shove the book back in the desk? She shall surely see that. Do I close it and say I haven't looked at it? But she's plainly staring at me with an open book in my hand. What do I do? I decided my most prudent course of action would be to at least finish as much of the test as possible, since doom was most evidently at hand. I began to feverently fill in all the answers I had faint guesses about on the paper.
The teacher walked over to the desk slowly. She looked at me. She looked inside my desk. Not seeing a thing, she looked under my desk. She finally glanced inside my open briefcase. Apparently satisfied, she continued to walk down the aisle, to check the other inmates. My jaw dropped. It probably hit the open dictionary on my desk, I do not remember.
I quickly finished, handed in the test, and left the room, eyes still wide in astonishment. No, never have I seen a teacher quite like her.
-- by Leva I
Renting yet another movie: the umpteenth attemptI think there was yet another time we did that (rent a movie) -- it seems to have been a pretty popular thing to do :) We skipped school went to a video store, and for about an hour tried to persuade the owner to rent us porn. (unsuccesfully). We then settled for some new russian movie (it was soon after the "democratization" aka "pornification" of the russian movie industry) called something like "Erotic Dreams" or something to that effect. After securing this piece of art, we hurried to Sam's (I think), where we had to kick his little brother out of the room, and proceed to watch the flick, which apparently had no erotic dreams whatsoever, but only one shot of a chick topless. It seemed a pretty disappointing result after all that we went through to get it.
-- by Leva I
How to cheat in a physics classI'm not sure if people remember the time in 8th grade, when we stole the book that contained answers to Mr. Feldman's physics tests. Everybody got busted about a week later, except for me who happened to be absent on that day. So, Feldman thought that everyone's answers got confiscated and proceeded with giving us tests from the book for the rest of the year. Only I and Milan knew about the answers. So, we kept cheating the whole year (the technique is a whole other story which fabulous in its right). Then, on the final, against my knowledge, 3 or 4 more people cheated from my exam paper. Unfortunately, there were some fill-ins and I wrote something like "primary" (the question was about spectrum and light, etc.) while the correct answer was something similar but not quite. So, everyone copied the answer. Of course, Feldman caught that and failed everyone but me. He thought that I was the only one who knew the answer, based on my previous test scores (which were virtue of me having the answers). Also, the crew that got busted was not, shall we say, full of future Einsteins - Milan, Perelmuter, etc.
-- by Michael